INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS THERAPY
Heal your past and transform your future by discovering the family within
Gabby Bernstein. Gwyneth Paltrow. Dax Shepard with Dr. Becky Kennedy. Glennon Doyle with Dr. Becky Kennedy - TWICE.
It seems like everyone is talking about Internal Family Systems Therapy, though it's not your typical water cooler chatter. And that’s because IFS isn't your run-of-the-mill, lay-on-a-couch-and-blame-everything-on-your-mom therapy –
It's the red carpet of self-discovery.
It’s not just a trend either; it's a transformative journey. Welcome to the party where knowing yourself is not just in style—it's the main event.
If you’re looking to peel back the layers of what this IFS thing is all about, you're about to get the VIP treatment. Step into my imaginary office, fast forward into the future with me, and let’s get a bit unconventional.
WHY IS IFS GAINING POPULARITY?
IMAGINE…
it’s been two years since you wrapped up therapy with me.
You knock on the open door to my office and call out a tentative “Heyyyyy” - the kind when you know someone but you’re not sure they’ll recognize you right away.
I look up and know you instantly, though I can’t help feeling slightly worried - we haven’t seen each other since you ended therapy. Before I can say anything, you offer:
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by and say ‘hi’ real quick if your door was open - is that okay?”
“Hey Nora! Of course, it's more than okay!” I said, though still wondering if there’s more to the visit. “It’s great to see you! How have you been?”
“Really great," you respond. "Actually, I’ve been thinking about our sessions a lot lately. It seems like IFS is everywhere these days - all my favorite podcasts - I even saw an article about it in Forbes the other day! The more I hear folks discussing it, the more I'm reflecting back on our sessions. Back then, I was curious to know more about it, but worried that asking a bunch of questions might ruin the 'magic' of therapy."
I pause for a moment, a smile playing on my lips. "The 'magic' of therapy is in the understanding, not the mystery," I say, inviting you to take a seat, understanding why you’re here.
“Absolutely,” you respond. “I've been wanting to understand more about how IFS works. It's not just a trend for me; I've experienced its impact, and I want to keep using it in my day-to-day life. I feel like I want to more fully understand what we did. Is that ever something people come to see you for - explaining things after the fact?”
“Sure!" I reply. "I’m all for exploring this with you. Actually, this time is open in my schedule for the next two weeks. We could meet twice and delve into a more focused and structured exploration of what we accomplished together? How does that sound?"
“SO GOOD, you say. “I’m so glad I stopped by today - I feel excited to know more. Feels like getting to peek behind the curtain a bit! See you next week!”
WHAT IS INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS THERAPY LIKE?
It’s session one of our therapeutic reunion, and I assume my role as the therapist by asking the first question:
“Before we dive into your questions about IFS, I’m curious to hear about your perspective on our work now, two years later.”
“Hmmmm. Initially, I was kind of skeptical. I spent a few months exploring your website before actually scheduling a consultation. I felt torn - your writing resonated deeply with what I was feeling, yet committing time, energy, and resources seemed daunting.”
“In hindsight, it's almost amusing. Now I can totally see how the focus on ME was the key, but starting out, I couldn't see how addressing my internal world would help with the external challenges I had with things like my husband, kids, job, and family.
Anyway, I think the thing that had the biggest impact was that I came to accept and be okay with all the various parts of who I am as a person.
Looking back now, I can see that I had, both knowingly and unknowingly, labeled so many things about myself as shameful, bad/problematic, or too painful to be allowed. In the beginning, I wanted to erase those parts of me - which I think was the root of all my angst and inner turmoil.”
“Changing the way I related to those parts of myself changed everything.”
“Actually, I still remember early on in our sessions I told you about the critical part of me…that voice in my head that would say “You’re not good enough” or “You shouldn’t do that”. When we interviewed that part of me and I found out it only did that because it thought it would protect me from getting hurt, I saw it for what it really was: a good part, stuck in a shitty role. Understanding that flipped a switch; I no longer feared or resented that critical part - instead, I had a genuine desire to help it.”
“Now, even after ending therapy, there's no desire to erase or silence any parts of me."
“I know and trust that each is well-intentioned and I feel like the inner leader of all my different parts. I always kind of picture giving them a microphone and hearing them out, so they don’t have to wield a megaphone to get my attention - ya know?”
I say,
“Oooh giving them a microphone so they don’t have to wield a megaphone - I love that and might steal it!"
“And geez - I got chills when you talked about how impactful it was to be less frustrated with yourself. I love seeing when that starts to happen for clients. It’s always the things that look “small” that wind up making the big moves forward, isn’t it?
Without waiting for you to answer, I continue on, remembering I promised to actually answer your questions, and if I’m not careful, I’ll spend all our time processing with you instead.
“Anyway,” I transition, “tell me what’s on your mind about IFS?”
WHAT IS INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS THERAPY?
“Okay - first,” you say "What is IFS? Where did it come from? And what exactly are 'parts' in IFS?”
I smile. “I mean - that’s three questions, but also, well played. I did the compound question thing to you all the time and you know I can roll with it.” I say, still grinning.
“I totally get how you would still be wondering that, because IFS is simple - and yet, also kind of complex.”
“I was just organizing notes from all my IFS trainings and came across a page with a nice little introductory summary….lemme see if I can find it.” I reach across to a stack of papers on the ottoman between us. *shuffles papers* “Ah! Here it is:
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a psychotherapeutic approach developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, drawing from principles of family therapy and systems theory.
In IFS therapy, the mind is viewed as a complex system composed of various sub-personalities or parts, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and desires. The goal of IFS is to help individuals understand and harmonize the different parts of their inner selves by helping individuals connect with their Self and lead from that place of inner wisdom.
“Right - okay. Hmmm,” I can see the wheels turning in your head. “Self…” you begin, a little uncertain “…I don’t remember talking much about that.”
WHAT IS SELF/SELF ENERGY IN IFS?
There’s no hiding my delight and eagerness to explain - I love talking about Self and self-energy.
“Right! We didn’t talk about it a ton because all we ever needed to do was make space for it. Self isn’t something that needs to be created or coached, because it's already there, with everything you need.”
Self is the you that isn’t a part like all the rest. The word “Self” in IFS represents the true, authentic, and undamaged essence of an individual. It is the natural and inherent embodiment of all these great qualities like compassion, curiosity, calmness, confidence, and clarity - just to name a few.
“Thinking about our work together, when you could work with a part like your inner critic and feel curious and welcoming towards it, and eventually, even compassionate towards its predicament, that’s when your Self was in the lead.”
I pause. “Actually, - I’m curious. Did you ever notice how your parts always responded differently to you when you were relating to them from that kind of space?”
Now you’re excited.
“Yes! I tell people all the time that therapy gave me the ability to truly get to know myself, love myself, and have the strength to sit in the uncomfortable feelings that are inevitable in life."
‘I guess that’s what you’re calling ‘self-energy’, yeah? It’s so interesting that I didn’t have to know all the terminology to experience and benefit from it.”
I start to respond, but you jump in first –
“Oh! Side note - how do you explain IFS to someone who hasn’t done it before?"
“Because I try to tell friends or family about my therapy and how I work with my parts now but - and I hope it’s okay to say this to you - I feel kind of crazy trying to explain it! I always kind of say “Okay - so I know this might sound weird - but it’s like I have these parts...”
I give a knowing smile.
“Of course, you can say that to me! I don’t mind at all - IFS often sounds ‘weird’ to someone when they first hear about it. People always ask, or sometimes joke in that but-also-just-checking-to-see-what-the-answer-is way, ‘Is this that thing with the multiple personalities? Like Sybil or something?’”
“Anyway,” I get back to the point, “over the years, I found a few different analogies/metaphors that most people can wrap their heads around.”
IFS IN A NUTSHELL
Internal Family Systems is Like Inside Out
Parts are like the different emotion-based characters in the movie. For the little girl, Riley, those are Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust.
In the movie *spoiler alert* Joy remembered Riley’s parents placing emphasis on how much they delighted in her when she was happy, so Joy took it upon herself to make sure Joy was happy all the time because it felt most safe when her parents were pleased with her.
Joy tried to monopolize Riley’s emotional landscape so that Anger, Disgust, Fear, and Sadness were never in charge. Because she thought happiness was what Riley’s parents loved most about her, Joy felt that the other emotions (parts) were kind of….bad or less desirable.
IFS is a bit more nuanced than the movie. A person’s Self being in a relationship with their parts would be like Riley talking directly with Joy. In the movie, Joy is trying to take care of Riley, but really, Riley is the one who can take care of Joy - and also be with, hold, and take care of Anger, Disgust, Fear, and Sadness as well.
Internal Family Systems: The Family Within
Imagine a movie or a TV show you’ve seen where the family goes to therapy. In it, the sessions include multiple family members and the focus is on the relationship between family members, with the intention of solving problems within that system. IFS applies the same concepts to an individual’s internal experience.
When applied internally, the family = you, and the family members = your parts.
Think of parts like mini-you’s. These parts are simultaneously you while also not being all of you, either. Just like my sister is fully my family member, but she isn’t all of my family, and she’s not ME either.
Each of your inner family members (parts) has a different role to play in your life, and with those roles, come different perspectives, priorities, feelings, and needs. And just like in external families, there is bound to be conflict. After all, what are problems if not conflicts over different perspectives, priorities, feelings, and needs?
IFS views what you would think of as your “problems” as internal conflict among your inner family members. The goal is to hear out each family member and find a solution that’s in the best interest of everyone involved.
IFS is like a Symphony
Imagine your mind as a symphony, comprised of a hundred different musicians.
These musicians are what we would call your “parts”. Some of them play different instruments, some of them the same. Some of them think they should be the loudest, others are afraid to make too much noise. However they show up, they each contribute to the overall composition of your internal experience.
Every symphony needs a conductor. Without one, it’s like Lord of the Flies…but with instruments. Your Self is the wise conductor at the helm of this symphony. As the conductor, you naturally embody qualities like compassion, curiosity, calmness, and confidence. And you can hold the baton that guides the orchestra.
Allow Your Conductor to Lead the Symphony
In Internal Family Systems therapy, the goal is to allow the conductor (Self) to lead with clarity and wisdom. The conductor doesn't try to silence or control any specific instrument (part); instead, it understands each instrument's unique contribution and orchestrates them in a way that creates a harmonious masterpiece.
In an effort to summarize
it all, I offer
"What’s similar among all of these is the idea that...
1) We have parts,
2) we have an inner leader we’re calling Self, and
3) we can be in separate and distinct, albeit connected relationships from Self with our parts. That relationship can look or feel like having all the parts around a boardroom table, with you/Self at the head of the table, hearing everyone out, valuing them equally, and leading things.
Checking in to see if those examples are helpful, I ask,
“How do those ways of explaining it compare with what you experienced?”
“Those are all SO much easier to explain than what I was finding online. I kept seeing words like “sub-personalities” and “multiplicity of the mind” and that just sounded intense and confusing” you admit.
Wanting to validate your confusion, I offer, “Yeah - those are definitely more clinical terms that have their place in academic settings, but they don’t really do much for us in day-to-day life. So - any other burning questions?” I ask.
“Yes,” you say “The questions. When we were working with a part, it always seemed like you would ask the same kind of questions, In particular, you would always ask this one question about what the job of the part was. I swear almost every time, though there were a few exceptions, the answer was ‘to protect Nora’ or something like that. Why was that?”
“Ooooh - I’m really glad you asked that question. This gets into the different kinds of parts and their roles, and we’re about out of time. Let’s start with that next week.”
WHAT ARE PARTS IN INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS?
It’s our part two of our therapy-reunion session, and we waste no time jumping back in to where we left off - IFS Parts
“So,” I begin, “there are two basic types or categories of parts: protectors and exiles. Actually - let me find you the relevant pages from my now-organized notes and I’ll make you a copy.” I realize as I’m searching that I might be giving you more than you bargained for, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to explain this question in full.
Finding what I was looking for, I say, “Ok - here it is. You know what? I’m actually gonna make you a copy of the whole chapter.”
Internal Family Systems: Meet Your Family Members - the different parts and their roles
As I start making copies, I explain:
“The parts you were talking about at the end of our last session are the protectors, and they are divided into two categories - managers and firefighters.
MANAGERS
Managers are proactive in nature.
Meaning their goal is to prevent whatever they’re concerned about from happening in the first place.
“I’m thinking about two of your parts that were managers - if I remember right, we called them Little Miss Perfect and Little Miss Peaceful, right? Sometimes they worked together as teammates and other times, they viewed each other as adversaries.”
Miss Perfect
"Miss Perfect was the part we decided most resembled an Enneagram 1."
“She believed that if rules and standards for rightness were followed, then nothing could go wrong, preventing you from being at fault or to blame. You were pretty exhausted trying to keep up with everything she felt needed to happen each day.”
Miss Peaceful
"On the other hand, Miss Peaceful was more like an Enneagram 9, right?""
“She was always trying to keep everyone around you calm and preventing conflict at all costs by compromising and being accommodating towards others, often at your own expense.”
FIREFIGHTERS
Firefighters, on the other hand, are reactive in nature.
Like real-life firefighters, their goal is to extinguish something painful or dangerous once it’s been ignited - by whatever means necessary. They have little to no regard for the damage their strategies cause because to them, the bad thing is already happening, so the priority is on putting an end to it.
"It wasn’t until later on in our work together that we met one of your firefighters - Little Miss Fireball."
“She used angry and stubborn protesting as a way to extinguish hurt feelings when you weren’t being considered. Her strategy was to raise enough hell when you were wronged so people would realize they had hurt you and would make amends, and then you would feel better. Voila!"
“Yeah - I remember our early work with her. It was hard to not be frustrated with her, because I could always see how the angry outbursts made people nervous to make me angry, and that just drove more disconnection, which was why I was feeling hurt in the first place.”
"EXACTLY,"
I confirm.
“So often, our parts intend to protect us from something - and the strategy they choose winds up bringing about the very thing they are trying to prevent.”
“Actually”, I pause, “ thinking about your microphone/megaphone thing - that’s essentially what we did with Little Miss Fireball. When she was upset, we would gently ask her ‘Hey - why are you making such a fuss?’, and then hear her out.”
You nodd in agreement.
“Yes. Things started going better between me and my husband when I found a better way to communicate my hurt feelings and needs instead of through angry protest."
“I found I could listen to her in all her intensity without issue, and in turn, could be a better spokesperson for her perspective to others after that.”
Looking a little confused, you ask “Okay - follow-up question though. What about the times when you would ask what the job of the part was, and the answer wasn’t about protection?”
“Ahhh yes,” I say. “That would be when we were working with the other kind of part - an exile.”
EXILES
Having finished making copies, I hand you the stack of papers and smile.
Exiles are usually the most tender parts of a system. They often hold leftovers like painful emotions and beliefs from memories of earlier life experiences.
These parts are typically kept hidden or suppressed by the manager parts, believing it to be bad or dangerous in some way if the exile was allowed to surface. When they do surface, firefighters try to put out the pain they think the exile is causing and push them back down as quickly and thoroughly as they can.
Looking curious, you ask “To steal a phrase from you - I noticed you said ‘the pain they think the exile is causing.’ What do you mean?”
“Good catch!” I laugh.
“Okay, so - here’s the thing. Exiles carry things that protective parts think are too painful or dangerous or bad etc - but the exile itself isn’t actually painful or dangerous."
“It’s just the leftover feelings and beliefs they’ve been stuck with. We call those things burdens in IFS. So, we help the whole system by helping exiles unload the burdens they’ve been stuck with. When that happens, the protectors don’t have to protect in the same way as they did before. There’s no need to suppress the exile if it no longer carries overwhelmingly painful things.”
“That makes so much sense” you say. “I remember my Little Miss Performer part being like that."
“She was free-spirited, imaginative, and playful, but my parents arguing made her feel scared and out of control.”
“Little Miss Perfect and Peaceful attempted to shield me from experiencing the feeling of being out of control that Little Miss Performer would experience during conflicts with my husband, my kids - everyone, really. It’s weird to explain, but I feel more fully like myself now that she’s included and welcomed in my life in a way she didn’t used to be.”
Little Miss Performer
“That’s the kind of ‘harmonizing-the-system-and-all-its-parts’ stuff that sounds really impossible in the beginning, but brings such immense internal relief,” I say.
I glance at the clock. “We’re almost out of time - any other questions?”
“Just one - and it’s just to satisfy my own curiosity - but sometimes I wonder what it's like to be a therapist, and when I do, I always think about you and I wonder how and why you came to IFS as your “thing” as a therapist.”
“Oh sheesh - do you have all day?” I smile. “I could talk about that for hours, but I’ll try to not take up the rest of your afternoon.”
"My own experience is part of why I chose it as my 'thing', but also because some of the cornerstone principles of IFS therapy fit with some of my own core values and beliefs."
"I’ve actually thought about this before, and I wind up with a list of my three favorite things about IFS therapy."
IFS therapy trusts the client as the expert on themselves
IFS therapy uniquely honors that clients possess an innate wisdom and insight into their own experiences. As the therapist, rather than imposing my external interpretations about my client’s lives, I help co-create a safe and supportive space for exploration with my clients.
IFS therapy honors the client’s autonomy and agency
IFS therapy places a profound emphasis on honoring a client's autonomy and agency throughout the therapeutic process. Therapists operate as guides, respecting the client's autonomy in deciding the pace, depth, and direction of their self-discovery journey. This approach reinforces client’s capacity to make choices and decisions that align with their own values and goals.
IFS therapy stood out to me for its respectful and dignified approach to the struggles we all experience in life by viewing every aspect of a client’s internal world with empathy and curiosity. Instead of categorizing emotions, thoughts, or behaviors as inherently good or bad (or diagnosing them as disorders, IFS recognizes them as natural responses shaped by unique life experiences. This perspective allows clients to explore their inner landscape without the weight of judgment, creating a space where even the most challenging emotions or behaviors are seen as adaptive responses rather than flaws to be eradicated.
IFS therapy is non-pathologizing (i.e. - there are no bad parts, only shitty jobs)
“I wouldn’t have ever been able to articulate it at the time, but that is EXACTLY what my experience with you and IFS felt like” you say. “Also - I lied, I do have one last question - how long do people do IFS? Do I ever come back?”
“Ahhh” I say. “That is up to you. It is often said in IFS trainings that IFS is a paradigm for living - once you learn the model, it becomes a natural part of life.”
“Some of my clients spend time in therapy learning the model, meeting and working with parts, and eventually, decide to continue on their journey without me - though if they get stuck with a difficult part or in a difficult season of life, they can always return for a season. Others become just as skilled, but elect to continue together for the sense of connection and community meeting together brings.”
“I’m so glad I found you when I did,” you say. “I really resonate with the paradigm for living perspective - that’s certainly been true for me. I guess I’m one of those who had my time and now I come back every now and then - and that feels good to me.”
“I’m so glad you stopped by a few weeks ago - I’ve certainly enjoyed getting to talk more with you about IFS and like I said, you are always welcome back anytime you want to do a piece of work with your parts together.”
READY TO SEE WHAT ALL THE CHATTER IS ABOUT?
Start your IFS journey today.
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First - what even IS traditional therapy? Laying on a couch and blaming your mom for everything? 😂
In my view, IFS is unique in that it views what other therapies would call “symptoms” and even diagnoses as the expression of parts. So, instead of saying a client has Generalized Anxiety Disorder (or even, is “phobic”), we would say that there is likely a young, very scared part in the system. When “symptoms” of anxiety surface, we would think of it as coming from that young scared part, who is in need of help.
Some forms of therapy would *accidentally* invalidate the young parts fears - calling them irrational, and try to reason or argue with the part about it’s feeling of fear (CBT, DBT, etc). Other forms of therapy would try to toughen the young part up by desensitizing it to whatever it finds scary (exposure therapy, EMDR, etc).
IFS would ask the part to show us what is scary, and help it find a way out and bring it to somewhere it can feel safe, instead of scared.
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Definitely - Internal Family Systems therapy is considered a legitimate and effective therapeutic approach both by therapists and the clients who work with an IFS therapist.
With internal family systems therapy, the mind is believed to be a complex but knowable system of various sub-personalities or "parts,”. The central focus is on the concept of the "Self" representing an individual's true and undamaged essence, which can facilitate deep healing. In my opinion, the effectiveness of IFS stems from its non-pathologizing approach (meaning, we don’t view client’s problems as evidence of illness or disease), encouraging individuals to understand and harmonize their internal parts rather than labeling them negatively.
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When we talk about the success rate of IFS therapy, it's more personal than a one-size-fits-all statistic. In my opinion, a better question is: what does success look like for you? Clients who eventually say “Internal family systems changed my life,” do so because they experience the meaningful shifts they were looking for.
Generally speaking, success in IFS is observed through things like increased in-the-moment awareness of your parts, and developing stronger connections them. Those connections are often tended to by realizing how these parts show up in daily physical sensations and emotions and then accessed using that knowledge. One of my favorite and often the earliest signs of progress is a noticeable positive shift in the way you talk to and about yourself - with more kindness, and less criticism - even if nothing else has changed yet. Eventually, there’s usually a visible ease and comfort you start to feel in your own body. Things like the absence of disruptive patterns or an increase in internal calm are all markers of success in IFS therapy.
So, think of success not in percentages and linear movement, but in the personal transformation that happens within you as you cultivate relationships with each part of your internal family system.
INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS: FAQ'S
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Absolutely, you can practice IFS therapy on your own, and honestly, that’s the endgame. The whole idea is to get you to a place where you can confidently navigate and tend to your internal family systems parts all by yourself.
And.
I always and in no uncertain terms, recommend starting the work with a therapist - specifically, one who has completed, at a minimum, Level 1 training through the IFS Institute. It's like learning to drive; sure, you can figure it out solo, but it's way safer and more effective to have someone with you at first.
Mainly because, in keeping with this metaphor, if you get t-boned while you’re DIYing drivers ed, you’re probably going to have a way harder time getting back in the car the next time you want to try again.
So, while leading the work with your parts is the ultimate goal, starting off with a therapist will guide you, helps you learn how to communicate with your parts, and set you up for success.cription
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Personally, I don’t see any - but that’s probably no surprise. Objectively speaking, I think the only potential “drawback” of IFS therapy would be that it is definitely not your shallow-end-of-the-pool kind of work, so it might not be a fit for some looking to shore up their defenses.
If you're googling “IFS therapist near me,” know that this therapy isn't about skimming the surface with quick-fix coping strategies, because IFS psychology dives deep. I’m about getting to the root of your issues and helping you heal from the inside out. So, if you're only up for light, surface-level work right now, that’s perfectly okay - and, IFS might feel like a deep dive into the ocean when you were just planning to paddle in the shallows. This therapy is for those ready to explore and heal the deeper, sometimes challenging parts of themselves.
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When it comes to IFS therapy and Christianity, or any religion for that matter, IFS therapy itself isn’t inherently religious. It's flexible and adaptable to your personal belief system. For some, the 'Self' in IFS aligns with what's known as the soul in Christianity. It’s about tapping into that inner core you, the essence that makes you uniquely you, irrespective of religious labels.
In other major faith systems, like Buddhism, the 'Self' might resonate with the concept of the 'true self' or 'Buddha nature,' while in Hinduism, it could align with the 'Atman' or inner spirit. The beauty of IFS is its versatility. It's not about fitting you into a specific religious framework; it's about supporting you in exploring and healing according to what resonates with your own spiritual or philosophical beliefs.
Whether you see it as connecting with your soul, inner core you, or another spiritual concept (including no spiritual concept), IFS therapy meets you where you are, honoring your individual journey and belief system.
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In a nutshell, IFS therapy is about reworking your relationship with yourself. It's a deep dive into understanding the different 'parts' within you – like hosting a family meeting inside your head. Each part, whether it's a protective manager or a vulnerable exile, gets to be heard and understood. This internal shift leads to big changes externally. As you get your inner house in order, your interactions and reactions to the world start to realign, reflecting the real you. It's a personal transformation that changes not just your inner world, but how you engage with everything around you.
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The timeline for internal family systems therapy? That’s like asking how long it will take to get to the front of the line at the DMV – it varies, but it might be a bit longer than you’d like. (Though I’d like to think it’s more pleasant and certainly more rewarding than anything that happens at the DMV.)
Parts work through IFS is deeply personal, and its duration hinges on your unique story, the challenges you're facing, and how your internal system responds to the therapy. For some, significant shifts happen in a few months; for others, it’s a longer exploration.I might not be a runner (like really - I’m definitely not a runner) - but I do know they’ve got one thing figured out: pacing matters. Honestly. The most important thing about the duration of therapy is moving through your work at a pace that feels right for you. Slow is often fast.
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In the realm of therapy theories and modalities, IFS is definitely in the spotlight right now. While it’s been around since the 80’s, there’s been a surge in interest and use of the approach in the last 5-7 years. While the volume of research many of us would like to see is still in progress, the evidence so far is promising. Studies are showing that IFS can be really effective in helping folks heal from trauma and PTSD. So, if you're looking at IFS specifically for trauma, you're on a path backed by growing and encouraging research. At the same time, plenty of clients have found IFS to be effective for a host of things other than trauma as well (relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorders). Just remember, with any therapy, the biggest thing is about finding what resonates and works for you.
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Oh, so you googled “internal family systems therapist near me” hoping to find IFS therapy explained on someone’s website, step by step, did you? I get it - I would want to know what to expect too. Fair warning - you’ll need to read like, my whole website to really dig into that - but he’s a nice little FAQ-sized answer for now:
When you first step into an IFS therapy session, it’s going to feel like we’re just having a regular conversation - because we are. As we talk, I’m going to reflect back to you what I hear in terms of “parts” sometimes. As we move forward, we’ll begin to explore and interact with your feelings and parts - moving from talking about them, to talking to them and with them. And yes, this often feels weird and/or awkward initially. Especially if you're engaging with parts of yourself you’ve been avoiding.
As an internal family systems therapist, my role is to bring compassion and curiosity to all parts of you - including the ones you might be frustrated with. Those ones begin to relax around me when they see I can get where they’re coming from, and that tends to open up enough space for us to move forward where you’ve been running up against a wall.
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The ideal candidate for IFS therapy? You - if you’re ready to roll up your sleeves and dive deep.
Picture this: you're open-minded, craving change, and tired of feeling like you’re just skimming the surface of life. You might have tried therapy before and picked up what turned out to be some coping “tips and tricks”, but deep down, you sensed they were just band-aids solutions they’ve turned out to be. They helped at the time, sure, but didn’t quite touch the deeper stuff.
My work as an IFS counselor in St Louis is for those who are saying, “Okay, I’ve got the coping part down; now let's get to the real healing.” IFS isn’t about quick fixes; it’s about lasting transformation – for those who aren’t just looking to weather the storm, but to understand why the storm is happening and how to calm it. If you're nodding along to this and feeling like it’s hitting close to home, then IFS therapy could very well be for you.
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Most people are, broadly speaking, a good candidate for IFS therapy. That said, IFS might not be suitable for individuals experiencing severe mental health conditions characterized by psychosis or paranoia, such as schizophrenia.
When psychosis or paranoia aren’t a concern, the people I see get frustrated with IFS or decide that it wasn’t helpful are individuals who:
- are looking to strengthen existing coping strategies to avoid dealing with the root of things. They’re not particularly open to or looking for things to change.
- want/expect overnight changes to deep-seated patterns of feeling, thinking, and acting. They’re not focused on the long term and are hoping there will be some kind of magic shortcut that will work for them.
- are focused on “fixing” themselves rather than tending to or healing what needs attention within. Side note - you might use the word “fixing” because it’s a hard one to get around in our culture - but I’m more talking about having an interest or at least an openness to the idea of healing/tending.
Further - it’s my opinion, it’s been my experience, and it’s backed by research that the single biggest determining factor re: the effectiveness of any therapy is the strength and proverbial “fit” between the client and therapist. So - while IFS could be a good fit for you, I may or may not be the right therapist for you. To that end, I do my best work with individuals who feel ready to get below the surface of their day-to-day life which can be deep, profound, and rewarding. And, my practice isn’t designed to provide comprehensive care for those who are experiencing an active crisis or need help gaining functional stability in life.
If you’re looking into whether or not I might be the right person for you to explore IFS Therapy with, I’d encourage you to do a little therapist-recon and read about who I work with, who I am & how I work, and the nitty-gritty details (location, cost, etc).